For example when 2 people dance. There are many non-verbal cues such as postures, movements even muscular tension in the body that fuel desire and imagination.
So being desirable is more about subtly than about being obvious because when we are subtle, we create mystery/tension/imagination and therefore a yearning.
There are 2 ingredients needed to create Desirability:
- Feminine Energy
In my Flirting Formula (Flirting = Charisma + Sexual Interest), Sexual Interest means you’re interested in getting to know them to find out if you want to pursue a romantic interest and build romantic chemistry.
By increasing your sensuality & feminine energy, an encounter can go from friendly to having sexual interest. You need to remember that sensuality has a dial that you can turn up or turn down depending on the context.
Allow me to share my definition of both sensuality and feminine energy.
Based on my observation, Sensuality is the ability to elevate the senses, which allows you to be present within your body and the way to manage and use sexual energy.
Energy is like a life force running within all of us. The quality and quantity of this energy will have an optimal effect when it’s directed with a clear intention.
Sexual energy can be felt as an arousal or turn-on in your body. I’ve also observed, through my experience with Tantra, that it’s part of Kundalini energy, which is spiritual healing energy that connects body and spirit.
Feminine energy is more receptive, connected to the heart and where emotions are felt, it’s pre-manifestation through being attentive to internal cues.
“Feminine sexiness is the capacity of our bodies to move with light, to move with energy. To be seen as a sensual body, the feminine wants to enhance her radiance, not decrease it.” – David Deida
Masculine energy is more strategic, connected to the mind, giving in its nature and has clarity of purpose, in constant manifestation through doing.
“Masculine sexiness is the capacity to stay totally present, not running, not grasping. To see all of life, pick his path and make clear decisions without hesitation.” – David Deida
Polarity refers to the effect two sources of energy have on one another. This translates to feminine and masculine energy.
When two people establish opposite energies, a sexual tension develops allowing for a natural magnetic pull that draws the masculine and feminine towards each other.
Therefore, I feel that charisma is more of a rapport building tool where people give themselves the time to reveal themselves.
Flirting sends signals that the intention is going from casual conversation to sexual interest where there is a purpose to be more than just friends. I feel that women could have more courage with allowing the intention to change, if they want to be noticed by more men.
Physicality is one way of enhancing a feminine and sensual demeanor because our mind and body are connected. And when you engage the body, the mind follows along.
In dance, the masculine is displayed through the territory the leader protected because the leader’s role is to create a safe space for the feminine energy (follower) to move in to. The leader accomplishes this role by focusing on the stance, the chest lift, and the arm span. When I work as a dance instructor, I use the term “Peacock” to encourage the leading role in a dance couple when these traits are demonstrated correctly.
For example, when I see someone who previously struggled with exhibiting these masculine leadership traits that begins to properly display the character and protect the follower, I encourage them by saying, “Look at those Peacock feathers coming out!”
The feminine (follower) is highlighted through the inviting environment created. The follower accomplishes this role by focusing on keeping the limbs closer to the body, legs closer together and creating angles and curves with the body.
For example, when I see someone who previously struggled with exhibiting these feminine qualities, I encourage them by asking them to move through the gestures described above like “oil trickling down your body…slowly and deliberately“.
In the world of dance, the person who’s leading has certain responsibilities (to protect the follower and their territory). The person who’s following has certain responsibilities (to give into and trust their protective connection).
In order to tap into your self-expression of feminine beauty, I’ve created transition tools women can reach for when they are feeling an imbalance in their energy and need to replenish their sensual force.
Transitions are those few seconds or minutes throughout your day when you are in between tasks where you create the space and time to pause and shift your energy.
For example, if you’ve been at work all day, in charge, on fire, leading from a masculine energy space and place, you’ll want to take some time for transition before going out with your girlfriends for cocktails or on a date.
When you can reconnect with your body, you give yourself the gift and opportunity to become fully present. For just a few seconds, you move into yourself, not thinking about your day, who you need to call, what you need to get done.
In this moment, it’s all about YOU.
Every woman needs to develop habits of feeding her sensuous and playful spirit by connecting to herself and being in the present. What follows are some of my favorite transition tools. These will help you shift your energy and go from feeling masculine, invisible, and insecure to feeling feminine, beautiful and magnetic.
Whenever you find yourself falling into old habits and telling yourself I don’t have time for transitioning, remember this… when you connect with your body and stand in its feminine essence, your vibe will change and that energy is noticeable.
Transitions Tool #1: Caressing Yourself
Skin is the largest organ of our body and it can be very sensitive. A touch can be relaxing, reassuring, soothing, stimulating, and bonding.
As a dancer, hand connection (the intensity of the touch), is a primary focus. I became aware of the importance of this simple connection early on in my career.
There was a time when my dance coach was watching me dance the most sensual dance, the rumba. This is a dance that encompasses the woman. Within 20 seconds of me beginning to move, he stopped the music, walked right up to me and said, “Patty, do you love yourself? Because a woman who loves herself, loves the way she feels, loves the way she moves. When I’m watching you, you look detached, disconnected. What’s going on?”
In the moment, my coach Larry stood still, took a deep breath and began to touch the outer thighs of his own body slowly, deliberately before stretching his arm out towards my dance partner. With every wiggle, swirl and twirl Larry would gently caresses his arms, waist and neck before extending his arm in any direction. I watched as he embodied feminine energy before my eyes while dancing the rumba. In that instant, I understood what he meant.
(For your information, this particular dance coach was a 60+ year old, heterosexual male.)
I recognized that hands are like antennae, gathering information that will be imprinted in the mind.
What imprint do you want to leave?
A woman who is comfortable with self physical contact, is a woman who is able to be accepting of her body, tends to enjoy her life more and is willing to make herself a priority.
Even simple self physical contact will change how you relate to yourself and your body. A loving hand to your neck. Caressing your lower back after moving a heavy object.
Transition Tool #2: Inner Thigh Awareness (ITA)
In reality, most women’s thighs touch when they walk. However, we’ve been taught this is a bad thing. Many women strive to change their stride to avoid their inner thighs from rubbing together.
Guess what happens as a result?
We move into more masculine energy because you take up space with your stance. Start paying attention to how women walk. You’ll notice a disconnect, meaning their body is just a transportation system for their brains.
When you allow your thighs to slightly touch – actually, when you put all your focus on inner thigh awareness while you walk, sit, stand – in my experience, men pay more attention.
As a dance consultant, I’m always looking at the way a woman uses her legs to create a more sensual feminine line in her movement. Without enough inner thigh awareness, she will not appear sensual. The moment she develops this concept, her body elongates, twists, and the hourglass look comes to life.
Legs apart creates a more masculine vibe because it establishes a stance that takes space. Legs pulled together gives an alluring, feminine vibe.
Transition Tool #3: Lean Back
The moment you lean back in your energy, you allow the melting process to begin where you become more receptive and open to his masculine energy. You come across as an approachable woman with a soft demeanor.
Men need us to be receptive to who they are. There’s nothing like looking into a woman’s eyes and seeing that she accepts him. Therefore leaning back in your posture when you stand or sit allows you to transition from a forward poise of “doing” into a backward poise of “receiving.”
Let’s understand the non-verbal difference between a forward lean and a back lean.
Forward lean can feel confrontational, very outcome-oriented, and more masculine in energy. It can feel more rigid, even stiff, giving men the appearance that there’s less room for communication. Leaning back can feel welcoming, open, and more like feminine energy. It feels softer almost like the ice around me is melting away and I’m ready to receive.
RoriRaye, a relationship coach often describes it as unzipping your heart and encouraging him to see your vulnerability. David Deida describes it as opening yourself up to a higher power and showing your yearning.
Whichever description works for you, it’s important to put yourself in a space of being able to joyfully receive what a man may do for you. Now, I’m not suggesting you never lean in because you don’t want to come across as disinterested where a man can interpret the lean back gesture as a rejection. Sometimes something that he is saying excites you and you’ll want to lean forward to get a closer connection. The concept of leaning back is to truly melt away the walls, reduce the tightness and stiffness energetically.
The intention is to open yourself up to him as a sensual woman wanting to communicate each others values, less like a colleague discussing professional proposals.
For example, it’s like you’re leaning back to watch a movie and the man happens to be the main character…the hero! Practice this opening posture by leaning against your chair, a wall, and in your general stance.
Exercises: Develop Sensuality
Elevate your senses!
“The other part of sensuality comes from focusing on the pleasure your senses are delivering to you. It could be a taste, a sound, a view, a smell or the feeling of something. In the moment that you are paying attention to that one pleasure, you are being sensual and it’s a turn on to anyone watching you.” – Allison Armstrong
Being present with your senses allows you to be attentive to receiving the pleasure of one or more of your senses and helps you experience the world you live in.
Taste: Every time you are having a meal, chew slowly and allow the flavors to fill your appetite. Put your fork down after every bite, not only will it allow for better digestion, but also allow you to pay attention to the pleasure the food is giving you. Eating well is an art and a science. It requires balancing three equally important factors: nutrition, convenience and pleasure.
Pleasure is our focus for now, and it’s a vital element that makes our meals complete and makes life worth living. Like all organisms on the planet, we humans are genetically programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. When we eat, we’re seeking the pleasure of food and avoiding the pain of hunger.
Sound: If you are at home or driving in your car, play music that touches your spirit.
Some research has shown: Music works on the autonomic nervous system – the part of the nervous system responsible for controlling our blood pressure, heartbeat and brain function – and also the limbic system – the part of the brain that controls feelings and emotions. According to one piece of research, both these systems react sensitively to music.
When slow rhythms are played, our blood pressure and heartbeat slow down which helps us breathe more slowly, thus reducing muscle tension in our neck, shoulders, stomach and back. And experts say that apart from physical tension, music also reduces psychological tension in our mind.
Sight: Every day look for something new in something you’ve already seen. Look for details because creativity lies in details, which could spark your imagination too! Notice what kind of observations you make from witnessing things through a new lens, a more detailed lens.
“The eyes are the windows to the soul” is an expression that is often used to describe the deep connection one feels when looking into another’s eyes. However, like windows, the eyes work both ways.
Vision is an abstract concept. Sight may allow a person to witness an event, but vision helps the person understand the significance of that event and draw interpretations. The two are harmonious, and are very important in our everyday lives.
Smell: Every day light a candle, or incense when you are getting ready in the morning. Discover different essential oils and add them to your bath, directly on your skin (dilute it by adding it to coconut oil and spread over your body). Make this exercise your morning ritual so you can start your day with self-care.
The National Association of Holistic Aromatherapy defines aromatherapy as “the art and science of utilizing naturally extracted aromatic essences from plants to balance, harmonize and promote the health of body, mind and spirit.”
Touch/Feel: When applying cream/oil on your body, be present with that feeling. Add an intentional thought, with every stroke, you are giving your body appreciation. When you are standing in line to order coffee, gently rub your neck with the same intention of appreciation for your body.
Paul Zak, author of The Moral Molecule, argues “We touch to initiate and sustain cooperation.” He conducted a “neuroeconomics” study from which he argues that hugs or handshakes are likely to cause the release of the neurochemical oxytocin, which increase the chances that a person will treat you “like family” even if you just met.
Here’s the conclusion:
Inevitably the senses help us to gather information, experience and understand what is around us…and perhaps even develop a more playful attitude.
“Flirting with life” can bring out a more playful part of you. I believe being playful allows you to express pleasure in a lighthearted manner, without serious intent.
Human connection is essential to foster a playful, charismatic attitude that can lead to flirting if you choose to build romantic chemistry.
I do hope you’ve enjoyed this article and it inspires you to reconnect with your body while giving yourself the gift and opportunity to discover a more playful approach to flirting while developing a more charismatic personality.
I would love for you attend my live workshop where you will explore your feminine self-expression and learn the techniques to shift from self-doubt to self-confidence.
Click here to find out more and join the sensual discovery!
I hope we get to play together!