I want to be very clear on the goals of flirting. Some people flirt with a strong sexual intent of having sex but not necessarily for a serious committed relationship, while others flirt in order to explore a romantic interest in a potential partner.

The common element that defines the goal of flirting is to create the opportunity to invite men into your life so that you have the most options to achieve the goals you have set for yourself. It’s not about being judged for your goals or judging others for their goals but a tool to be used as a means to achieve your particular goals as it is important to you.

The reason I’m emphasizing this point is because I have a great concern that many women will stop themselves from flirting out of fear. Based on what women have shared with me regarding their reluctance to flirt, their 2 top fears are:

1. Inviting sexual advances before they’re ready to have sex.
2. They want to be respected for their mind and not just their body.

I realize some women may have a discomfort with being flirtatious because of its sexual nature so defining the flirting formula can help ease the resistance.

So the formula to remember is:

FLIRTING = CHARISMA + SEXUAL INTEREST

Knowing how to utilize these traits will help you stand out in every day life or when dating. It will set the intention you want and engage with more people, allowing you to feel more abundant.

A colleague and dating coach Frank Kermit defines Charisma as:

1. the ability to leave a person with a positive impression of you
2. the ability to leave a person with a positive impression of themselves

Therefore a charismatic person gets what he/she wants by making everyone feel good while maintaining ethical and professional boundaries. It’s a great skill to have in the work place or when dealing with people whom you want to create a rapport with.

We often assume that if we are having a good time that the person with us must be enjoying himself/herself too. That’s because, when you meet someone for the first time, you often focus on what you say and what you talk about but how you come across to others is more about how you make people feel about themselves in your presence.

Yet, if you spend all of your energy making the other person feel good, what about you? How can you be sure you get what you want?

Well, consider this expression “givers gain”. It was a phrase that was used a lot in the business networking groups I was a member of. The premise behind this networking mindset was to find out what another person needed to help grow their business and help them find ways to achieve their success.

In other words, the more you listen, connect and help, the more likely it is that others will return the attention.

This concept is very evident with couples that dance harmoniously together because each partner is concerned with what the other partner needs and cooperates to ensure graceful transitions between steps.

Now that you know the value of how focusing on others can make you more charismatic, how do you then give people what they want?

Four Universal Social Virtues

I’ve observed four common virtues people want to feel when in the presence of another person.

1) APPRECIATION

Letting someone know you understand and recognize their positive qualities. There may be nothing more precious than the feeling that we truly matter — that we contribute unique value to the whole, and that we’re recognized for it.

Feeling genuinely appreciated lifts people up. At the most basic level, it makes us feel safe, which is what frees us to do our best work.

If you have difficulty openly appreciating others, it’s likely you also find it difficult to appreciate yourself.

The more specific you can be about what you value — and the more you notice what’s most meaningful to that person — the more positive your impact on that person is likely to be.

Exercise: Check In

Take a few moments at the end of the day to ask yourself this simple question: “What can I feel proud of today?” or “What are the gifts I see in me?” and “What am I grateful for today?”. If you are committed to constant self-improvement, you can also ask yourself, “What could I do better tomorrow?” These questions hold your value.

Exercise: Give Compliments

Give compliments, they are like emotional deposits on someone’s wellbeing!

Compliments are gifts that let a person know they are worth noticing, but only work if the compliments are sincere reflections of what you think. So you need to be genuine, positive, and specific.

I want you to start giving 3 compliments per day. Be Specific and Unique. In other words, don’t be boring. I can’t tell you how overused the word “nice” or “like” is (As in, “You look nice” or “I like your tie.“). When giving a compliment, point out something specific because it shows you have taken a real interest. For example, “That’s a cool tie you’re wearing, it really complements your whole style.” Change the typical words that everyone uses to describe handsome, beautiful, etc. For example, “You’re looking suave today!”

2) CONNECTION

Finding where you relate with someone through perhaps mutual friends, common interests or similar experiences. Humans are social animals: We crave feeling supported, valued and connected.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Brene Brown

I have observed that I feel happier, calmer, safer, more loving and more hopeful about life when I experience my connection with others.

Creating connections happens when you get concrete help, emotional support, perspective, advice and validation. It’s like a support team!

In order to connect with people, you need to be curious about people. You may need to meet new people or strengthen the relationships you have.

Note: I feel it’s important to mention that CONNECTION does NOT equal obligation to commitment.

Exercise: Find New Experiences

Enroll in a class that intrigues you. Join a group (hiking club, social club, etc…) This type of research will motivate you to have new experiences that you are curious about.

Exercise: Nurture Friendships

Make a list of the people you want to contact regularly, if necessary add a reminder to your calendar. Commit to a certain amount of time together and show how much you respect and appreciate your friends.

Move out of relationships that make you feel unsafe, lower your self-esteem or draw you into unhealthy habits.

3) ELEVATION

Ability to uplift someone’s mood by putting a smile on their face, being playful, being entertaining and funny.

Smile at someone every time you are walking!

Facial expressions don’t merely reflect emotions, they also influence emotions. Smiling raises your spirits and makes other people happy. It’s a powerful expression.

A smile can transcend cultural differences, soothe away shyness and even overcome language barriers without saying a word. It’s simple. The more you smile, the more likely people will be drawn to you.

Psychology Today:

“When you smile, people treat you differently. You’re viewed as attractive, reliable, relaxed and sincere. A study published in the journal Neuropsychologia reported that seeing an attractive smiling face activates your orbital frontal cortex, the region in your brain that process sensory rewards. This suggests that when you view a person smiling, you actually feel rewarded.” – Sarah Stevenson

Exercise: Smile

Whenever you are walking, DO NOT keep your phone in your hands for it will give you the opportunity to notice people, give them eye contact and smile. No matter how short of a distance you need to walk, practice not holding your phone and instead, watch people. You’ll start to develop the concept of being more present and less distracted.

With every step you take, look at someone and smile. Notice what begins to happen. They usually can’t help but smile back. It’s magic!

4) SELF-EXPRESSION

Self-expression is a display of individuality whether it’s through words, clothing, hairstyle, or art forms such as writing and drawing.  Being self-expressed means that people will see your spirit and true character; they will see the totality of who you are.  And sharing of one’s “self” fully can be a generous act.

Raising curiosity by sharing something new that you are learning. For example, interesting facts, perspectives, current events, trivia, curious thing that happened to you at work.

Sometimes we are not sure how to access inspiration, or we know what we want to say or do, but are unsure of how to express ourselves, or feel ill-equipped in our expression of something.

Here is one way to become more self-expressed:

Exercise: Be a Good Storyteller

1. Set the stage by sharing enough of the context for the man to understand the setting.
   For example, “It was 12pm in the afternoon, and the boardwalk in Barcelona filled up quickly with local people who were on their lunch break.“
2. Create a mood by recalling what it felt like to be in that moment.
   For example, “I remember feeling uncomfortable with the mass of people that were arriving on the beach in business clothes, stripping down to their undergarments to enjoy the afternoon sunshine.“
3. Use realistic, simple dialogue. It’s not about scoring points with the big words like in scrabble. You want him to get a sense for the situation.
   For example, “I was amazed at their body confidence. They were not affected by who was watching them, because most people were just minding their own business enjoying the sense of freedom of being on the beach, even if it was for just 1 hour. So I stepped out my comfort zone and decided to go topless!“
4. Make the story interactive, meaning check in with him to get his point of view or if he’s been in a similar situation.
   For example, “Have you ever been in a situation where you started off feeling very self-conscious and then you allowed yourself to let go of all that self-analysis and just be in the moment?“

In order to be CONFIDENT with the first component of flirting, you’ll have to practice some of the exercises I provided you with in order to develop a natural flow in engaging with people.

In my article [LINK], I’ll teach you the essential transition tools that allow you to shift from being charismatic to being flirtatious! It’s like you now own a sensual dial that you are able to turn up or down according your needs and desires.

Enjoy rediscovering your sensual side!

Cheers,
Patty Contenta