In today's newsletter "Why Am I Jealous of My Boyfriend's Ex?" talks about why women get jealous with Exes.
Today's Check It Out section showcases coaching sessions, eBooks and CDs that will help you find the right man and be in control of your love life. If you have been waiting in the sidelines for the right man to come along, my Quick Tip will also get you into the right mindset and the right attitude that will help you overcome that jealousy!
Evan gives a great male perspective on why men are tempted to look at ex-girlfriends. You'll be surprised to hear his thoughts...actually you'll be pleasantly surprised. Enjoy!
By: Evan Marc Katz
Oh Evan, I need your insights both from a dating expert and male perspective! I am currently dating a loving man who calls me beautiful everyday, loves me deeply and has given me absolutely no reason to mistrust him. The problem is, we shared too much about our exes and none bother me except for one woman who broke up with him (in many other cases he broke things off first).
The problem is I think her overconfidence about her looks paired with her flashy work convinced him she is really something special. They only dated briefly before she dumped him, and my boyfriend says she was flaky, shallow, and never saw a future with her. I am intelligent, more attractive and I'm not worried that he'll go back to her, but it really bothers me that he was attracted to someone so shallow to begin with. Even after they broke up he contacted her again when he found himself in between other relationships.
So Evan, I must ask, why would he try to go back? And here's the biggest question of all: Does his continued interest in her make him shallow/lacking in values too or does this just make him a man? I've never dated the toxic men you describe so often, and always thought I'd date a similar man who would laugh at these kinds of women, not pursue them, even if it's now in his past. In your experiences, how do men deal with attractive women who dump and bruise their egos? I've often read that you've dated many very attractive (but perhaps not shallow) women, so I'd love your expert opinion. My greatest fear is not that I am second best, but that I am perceived that way. Should I just get past this or get past him? –Smith
Let's say I had a client named Marie. Marie is 43 and recently got out of a 10-month relationship which had no passion whatsoever. Nice guy, but he didn't make her laugh and she didn't respect him.
The last time she was on Match.com, she was kind of creeped out, so she decides to lay low for awhile. Maybe travel a bit, take a breather from dating, reconnect with some old friends that she'd pulled away from in her last relationship. She goes on Facebook to start the process.
Browsing through names of friends, she happens upon her ex-boyfriend, Jay. Ex-boyfriend might be too strong a term – but he's the guy that she had incredible sex with for three months back in her mid-30's. Jay wasn't a great communicator or ready for a relationship at the time, but he was cute and fun and smart. Marie sees that he's single on Facebook and pops him an email: "Hey, was just thinking about you and wanted to see how you're doing. What's up?"
Is there anything remotely unusual about this situation? Is there anything that's particularly hard to understand? Marie is newly single, lonely, and is grasping for some drug to make her feel good. She concludes that it would be easier to go back to an old well than to try to tap a new one. Is this a smart long-term decision? Probably not. But I would think that just about everyone reading this can say that they've gotten in touch with an ex shortly after a breakup.
So, Smith, your "problem" is really much ado about nothing.
You've got a devoted, trustworthy guy who treats you well and happens to have a hot, selfish ex in his past. What a coincidence! I have one, too!
And before she unfriended me on Facebook (because no single woman wants to see a happy ex-boyfriend with his new wife and kid), I would even occasionally look at photos of her online. Why? Because she was hot and I wanted to see what she looked like in her 40s. It's not much more complicated than that.
If my wife were to judge me for the short-sighted, tortured, ill-fated relationships in my 20's, instead of say, judging me exclusively on how I TREATED her, we might never have made it. Thankfully, she didn't. And as a result, she knows all of my past sexual history and isn't remotely threatened by it. And because she isn't remotely threatened by it, I never feel the need to lie to her about anything. And because I never feel the need to lie to her about anything, she feels closer to me and 100% safe in our relationship.
Was my ex-girlfriend from 2000 more physically attractive than my wife? Yep.
Is my wife second-best to a woman I dumped after 4 months nearly 12 years ago?
You have got to be kidding me.
Do you want to have a long-term relationship with someone? Have you ever consider online dating? Are you looking forward to take control of your love life? If so, let Evan Marc Katz help you through one-on-one coaching sessions as he analyzes your strengths and eventually get you into a healthy relationship with someone who compliments you best. If you prefer to seek advice with others, group courses are also available.
Also, if you are interested in understanding how men think and in finding the right man online, his eBooks and CDs will surely get you on top of the game!
Learn to stop the thoughts of his past, and focus on the present, and also raise your own own self-esteem. Sometimes it is better to just allow things to happen as they do, dance along the music and just be spontaneous with your emotions.
To find the kind of relationship you have always dreamed of, never be afraid to explore things that you are not used to do and go out of your comfort zone. This will give you an opportunity to know yourself better and identify the kind of person you want to spend a long-term relationship with. Keeping an open mind and an enthusiastic attitude attracts people, especially the opposite sex.
"I was 37 years old and dating a fair amount. But somehow, every potential relationship would fizzle and leave me hurt and confused. I found myself at my wit's end – once again left wondering what went wrong and dwelling on what I could have done wrong. I knew something had to change and that's when I called Evan. I had been a regular reader of his blog and related to his empathetic, humorous but at the same time logical and practical approach to deciphering relationships.
Over the next few months we covered a lot of ground, but without a doubt the biggest breakthrough had to do with my mindset about men and about myself. The simple fact is that Evan was the first and only person who was able to break through to me by helping me shift my perspective.
Evan helped me to understand men and how to communicate with them in a way they relate to, but without compromising my needs. By helping me understand men better, I learned to let go of trying to control anyone other than myself. Staying grounded in who I am and what I need has given me confidence. It's given me choice. And most of all it's set me free. From anxiety – wondering if the guy will ever call or commit. From worry – wondering why he hasn't called or committed. And from self-doubt – dwelling on what I'm saying or doing wrong.
By letting go I have found a sense of peace around my dating that I've never had before. I'm much more lighthearted about the dating process and instead of focusing on the "what does it all mean?" stuff I'm focused on having fun and being a fun date.
I've had more great guys than ever want to meet me. But, most of all, I feel like I'm in control – not just of my dating life but all aspects of my life.
Working with Evan was like getting a map that lays out the easiest and most enjoyable route to get you to your destination. And, even with the occasional bump in the road, having Evan by my side has made it a relaxing and fun ride. I encourage everyone to get onboard"
Do you want to share your thoughts and comments about this newsletter? I want to hear them! Let me know what you have in mind and tell us what I can do to make your life better.